I have been reading all the Easter blogs from all the other mothers today. I am staarting to feel really inadequate. All these amazing women who share how grateful they are for the resurrection and did all these beautiful easter traditions. And then I reflect on myself.
I was one of those people who loved holidays. I would sew themed halloween costumes for my kids and they would win contests. My poor kids didn't get to choose what they wanted to be. I would inform them, "This year we are doing the Wizard of OZ. Jessica, obviously you will be Dorothy. Andrew you will be the Tin man, Warner you will be the scarecrow. And Garrett, you will be the lion." The next year, "Poccahantis." The next year "Peanut's Gang." ETC.! My husband and boys think that all the silly decorations of holidays are useless and hide them from me. But I would always fight, and get my way, even if I have to hang the lights on the house myself. But not anymore. I seem to have lost my fight.
I always had this Christmas clock that would chime every hour with a different carol. I found out after christmas that it broke and was thrown away. I didn't even notice it was missing until January. I hung the lights on the house, but they didn't work and never bothered to figure out why. I've started just giving the kids the cash for Christmas, where I used to love shopping for the perfect gift. I have become lazy about it.
Saturday night about 10:00 I decided that I had better get a few pieces of candy for the kids for Easter in the morning. At least go through the motions. So I got the few things that were left at Wal-Mart. Only spent about $10, and they each got about 10 pieces of candy. Then they had to get 3 bingo's in conference bingo on Sunday before they could have their candy. It is as though holidays don't exhist in our house any more.
I just feel bad that I am not the same bubbly holiday person that I once was. Are my kids suffering, or do they even care? I dread holidays now. It feels like work and pressure. And the sad thing is, I thought I was in a different place. I thought I was doing so well. I guess how I handle holidays isn't the grand measure of how I am doing, but I want to be like all those other amazing angel moms.
Please don't get me wrong about Easter though. I am so grateful for Christ and His atoning sacrifice. I am so grateful that I will see my son again. I believe it is all true. I just don't feel like I have the energy to display it even though it is swelling in my heart.
So to any of you Angel moms out there that read this, You are my hero today! Thank you for being such a great example.
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I love that you made your kids get conference bingo before eating candy. ha ha ha. You've still got some humor in you even if the rest feels like a daze.
ReplyDeleteIf it wasn't for my other kids I would be in bed crying. Seriously, I have struggled so much with holidays. That first year was the worst. I didn't want to put up any decorations or anything but I forced myself for my other kids. Since they are young I really felt like I needed to do it for them. I didn't put up very many decorations but enough for them to kind of enjoy. In my heart I wanted to just crawl back in bed and cry which I have done many times. So, it's totally normal how you are feeling. I think another motivation for me is that I don't want Wyatt's memory gone so I've tried to create these traditions with him included in some way. I'm not sure how long we will do these things but for now it has helped me with the grief. Knowing that Wyatt is not forgoten does my heart good.
ReplyDeleteI think you are amazing. Do what you can do and that is all that is asked. One day at a time is my motto. I wouldn't have survive the past 2 years without that motto. One day is that much closer to having our boys again. I have had to be proud of myself on many days that I'm out of bed. Just doing that somedays is beyond hard. That first year I spent so many days in bed crying and having my 3 year old wipe the tears away, wishing my spirit could just leave my body. It was awful but I look at today and celebrate the fact that I'm doing a little better and not having as many of those kinds of days and when the waves of grief hit again which I think will happen at times the rest of our lives then, I do my best and if that is staying in bed and crying than thats what I have to do. The only way out is through. That isn't very easy or fun at times but I feel it's a big part of getting through the grief.
Thanks for the sweet comment. Can't even tell you how much that meant to me. It gave me the desire to continue on. Thank you!
You are an amazing mother and your kids are so lucky to have you! Thanks for sharing your heart and all you have been through. It helps me know I'm not alone in feeling those same things.
Ok! So what's my problem? I haven't lost a child and my Easter decoration bin sat unopened in my basement this year. I did do baskets and eggs but getting the baskets was more of an excuse to get out of the house without the kids. Colleen, you're doing an AMAZING job no matter what you do.
ReplyDeleteColleen, You have always outdone all of us for Halloween and I know your kids have great memories of it (the rest of us do!) But, we all kind of tried to do that when they were young. I think a lot of it is that the older the kids get the less excited they get about the holidays too. I have no excuse, I guess I am just trying to justify why I don't really go "all out" for the holidays. I have become somewhat of a scrooge about holidays over the past few years. I just want it to be a good time for all of us but it is so easy to get caught up in the commercial end of it and get stressed out. I think you should just do what feels right for you and call it good. I think you're great and I hope with time the holidays will get easier for you.
ReplyDeleteI added you to my Blog. And like you said, it's nice to be able to connect with other Mothers who have lost children. I know our experiences don't even compare ( you had your son here for a while and my daughter died at birth ) but I know we both understand this feeling of sadness, confusion, hope and joy - the joy of knowing where our children are now and that they are safe.
ReplyDeleteI am excited to be able to read your blog and get to know you better. I really feel like the Lord allows those mothers who have lost children to find one another. He knows we need support and love from others who truly understand.
Colleen - all I can say is I love you. I love your family and you are an amazing, strong, beautiful, corageous women. You are my Hero and I hope and pray that you contine to stay close to the lord and that he blesses you in all that you do! Thank you for this beautiful blog..Love, Stac...miss you.
ReplyDeleteMy husband died two years ago. Every holiday is torture for me now. I try to put on a good face for my family's sake but it is soooo difficult. It brings back so many wonderful memories of holidays past and the stark reality of what is today. Everyone says time will make it easier...I am not sure that I believe that!
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