Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Been Away

I have been away for so long, I am not sure that I will have any followers left at this point. I haven't even found the time to follow the blogs that I loved and inspired me so much. I think I got a little overwhelmed (which isn't hard to do) during a few "Friday Follows".

My life has not been my own. I have not been in control. I mentioned to someone the other day that I feel like I am on a merry-go-round, reaching for something solid to stop, and when I grab it, it just yanks on my arm, kind of pulling it out of the socket. It may slow me down a little, but I am still spinning. And the fact that the merry-go-round is going slower now, it allows for other things to pile on. I am feeling like I can't win.

I have set a goal to really write again. So I will mention what has been going on, then really take the time to "put it all out there"... maybe this weekend.

Besides missing my son... I am going through a divorce. We were separated when I started the blog, and didn't feel it was right to air dirty laundry, when it wasn't just my laundry to air. We were keeping things quiet until we knew what the outcome would be. Before we can get divorced, we are having to file for bankruptcy. Before we can file for bankruptcy, we are having to take care of some tax issues. My life is in a holding pattern. Then of course there is the crazy schedule of 4 teenage boys and the one woman taxi service.

Lately I have been dwelling on missing Andrew. Flipping through the pages of his scrapbook. Staring at his pictures. Wondering what he would be doing, if he were here. Wondering what he is doing in Heaven. What does he look like. Smiling with that lump in my throat. Rising above it, acting like that life doesn't exist. Swimming as fast as I can, against the current. Trying to do it ALL!

Blogging really helped me get in touch with my feelings and not feel so overwhelmed. Maybe that is why I feel like I can't get on top of things. So I will add blogging back to the crazy life in an attempt to make it a little less crazy.

It is good to be back. Talk to you soon.