Tuesday, April 20, 2010


A few nights ago, I walked into Wal-Mart. I was alone. This is most unusual for me, as someone always wants to get out of the house, even if it just to go to Wal-Mart. However, I was alone.

I walked in, and I was overcome with grief, missing Andrew. It was not an anniversary of any kind. It was not Andrew's birthday. There was not a little boy that reminded me of him. I did not see any of Andrew's high school friends. There was no explanation for my grief. Well, no explanation, except for the fact, that in my chest, I carry a broken heart. But I still didn't understand why now? Why am I sad now?

I wandered aimlessly through the aisles. I already had the few items I had come for, and a few more (as is always the case at Wal-Mart). But I continued to wander as if I was searching for the one thing to cease the pain.

Floods of emotion continued to consume me, as if in waves. I would feel the tide roll in. I was quick though. A few deep breaths, and I could hold it back. I did not want to become a sobbing mess in the electronics department. So with deep breaths, and deep concentration, I was able to control the storm.

I found myself in front of the books. This is rediculous, because I do not like to read. I am a slow reader, and my mind wanders. In school I always tried to get by, reading just the cliff notes.

And yet, I have a compulsion to read. All of a sudden, I have 5 books on my list.

This may seem small and insignificant, but at this very moment I have the overwhelming desire to become actively engaged in my life. Standing there in Wal-Mart, I want to read, write, speak, serve, enjoy... LIVE! Goals and desires are flooding my mind. I can hardly wait to embark on my life.

Sunday morning no one wanted to go to church. Everyone had their own legitimate ailment. Normally I would have used this as an excuse to sleep in. But today, I looked forward to church. I arrived 20 minutes early and enjoyed the prelude music. I listened to the choir practice. I decided that it was time to start singing again. I remember when I loved to sing solos. I could always feel the spirit. Now, I struggle to sing, without crying. So for 3 years, I have not sung. I called the choir director, and will join the choir.

The lessons and speakers all had the perfect message. That night I chose to go to a fireside on the Atonement.

I am so grateful for Christ and his sacrifice. Through Andrew, I feel closer to Him. Andrew is passing on my hopes, fears, and dreams to Him, while reminding me that He is there for me, waiting for me to partake. With Him, I am becoming actively engaged in my life.

The flowers seem so bright today. I feel as though I can not take it all in. The beauty of the world is overwhelming.

I opened my window as I drift off to sleep. The crickets seem to be singing a lullaby just for me.

It is amazing to me that this world has been here for me, all of this time. Where have I been? Where I have been, has brought me to where I am now.

I am here, and I am ready.


  1. Sending a big ole hug your way this morning!!!

  2. Wow, what a powerful post. I felt the Spirit so strongly as I read this. I am sad that my Dad and my Daughter are both on the other side - I miss them more than words could ever express. I too carry a broken heart. But this post has reminded me that I am not alone. Our loved ones are on the other side, guiding us and encouraging us. We are not alone. We might even say we are more fortunate than others because we do have our own little cheer section - cheering us on. Thank you for sharing this : )

  3. Awesome - so glad to hear you're singing with the birds and crickets again.

  4. I just wanted to say that Walmart does that to me as well. It is just so full of life. So many other reasons, but none in particular. I always always feel so sad when I go to walmart. I love your new outlook on living your life though. Good for you! I especially love the choir idea. I too, cry during all the songs. I'm always ducking so that others don't notice. So good luck!

  5. It always amazes me where and when grief strikes. I have had it happen to me at the strangest moments. I have to say good for you on making the best of those moments. Keep smiling :)

  6. Beautiful post...love it! You are amazing. Grief is crazy...it can take you off guard so easily. I've had it come at some of the most unexpected moments. It's just plain hard! Love your new outlook on life.

  7. you NEVER cease to amaze me!!! I am so grateful to have you in my circle. I could feel your testimony in your typed words.