Why is it that the minute we post that we are doing well, (or better) that the world seems to start crashing down upon us? It is as though somebody heard and said,"Oops, didn't realize she was doing so well. Time for some more character building."
I firmly believe that people who have lost children should be exempt from any more trials in their life. Grief is an ongoing trial, and there should not be room for more.
I don't post EVERYTHING in my life, to protect those that are a part of my blog not by choice, but because they are my family. Blogg subjects by association. My family tends to get upset with me because I say WAY too much to people.
But this time, I choose to put it out there. I know, to those of you who know me...big shocker!
1 week ago today, at 2:15 pm, my 15 year old son ran away. He has called a few times to let me know he is ok, but loves having the life of no rules or responisibilies. At first I was upset and pleading with him to come home. Now I have turned angry and have been letting him know that. I am frustrated. And my anger isn't winning him over. Go figure.
Yesterday my husband was able to talk him into meeting him for lunch to try to talk him into coming home. During that time the police called to check on Garrett's status. Since he agreed to eat lunch with Greg, he is no longer considered a runaway and was taken off of the missing list. Which I am not sure what difference that makes anyway. If he is found by the police he is just turned over to us, then he can run away again. So I guess until he wants to come home, it doesn't really matter if he is a "missing person" or not.
So mostly I am upset with the fact that I have yet another trial in my life. Sometimes I will list the crappy milestones of my life to a complete stanger and they will just look at me like I am crazy. How am I still standing? And with a smile and a chuckle I will either say "It wouldn't be my life if it wasn't crappy" or "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
Throught it all, my testimony stays in tact, and I smile most of the time. I just think, I have learned enough for a while, and I would like a summer vacation from this school of life.
Thanks for listening to my whyning.
Dallin
Garrett
Warner
Jessica
Andrew
September 7,1991 - March 26, 2007
About Me
- Colleen
- I am the mother 5 children. Jessica, Andrew, Warner, Garrett, and Dallin. 4 are on earth, and Andrew went to Heaven March 26,2007. I help run a support group in St. George, Utah for parents who have lost children.
I am so sorry to hear about all of this. I agree 100 percent that those of us who have lost a child should just have the easy road from that moment on. Wouldn't that be nice ! I feel the same way sometimes. When we struggle with things in our lives, I tend to throw my hands up in the air and say " I gave you my child, why can't things just be easy for me - do I REALLY need more pain and frustration " I know it's not the right thing to do, but sometimes I can't help it.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to how you feel with your son - I grew up with two older brothers who were like that. They never ran away, but they would get in HUGE fights and throw dishes at one another. One of my brothers used to break dishes over my other brothers head when they would fight. I remember my oldest brother throwing a plate at my Mom when he was mad at her. Now everyone is grown up and has their own families are we're all friends. But back in the day ( I was probably like 7 or 8 and my brothers were about 10 years older than me ) I remember things being very different. I remember seeing the sadness and frustration in my parents eyes. They hated the way things were turning out - and they did nothing wrong. They were good, loving parents. And I say the same to you : from what I know of you, I think you are a WONDERFUL Mom. I think you are doing the best you can.
I am sorry. I don't have any words of wisdom to give my kids are toddlers. However, I will keep you and your son in my prayers. Rachel
ReplyDeleteI laughed out loud reading, "It wouldn't be my life if it wasn't crappy".
ReplyDeleteOne of the hardest things for me is to come to terms with my own lack of control...over most everything. I couldn't prevent my son's death. I can't alter how others respond to me or change how my children behave. And what gets me is that controlling others and forcing them to heaven was Satan's plan. Jesus showed agency. Theoretically I get why freedom is the better way. In practice, I want my kids to do what I want when I want it. Sigh.
Best wishes for this new trial in your life. Staying with friends will probably get old for your son. I think he just wants to control his life. We all do. It fosters independence, which is a good thing.
He is calling to let you know he's okay. He still cares about you. I'm happy he met with your husband. One day you'll laugh about this with him and his children.
Until then, you have my prayers.
Teenagers! Lately mine only calls or comes home from college when he wants or needs something or at least that's the way it seems to me. I keep telling him he is going to regret not spending more time with his baby brother.
ReplyDeleteI hope this newest trial ends quickly for you!
Have a Happy Mother's Day and be sure to do something for yourself!
-laura
It is scary how much I can relate. I agree with you about parents who have lost children. You would think that would be enough pain to endure in a lifetime but yet unfortunately we are dealt some more crappy blows in life. People tell me that God doesn't give me anymore than you can handle....well I would like to tell him to take the target off of my but cause I think he keeps aiming for me!
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness you are going through a lot right now. I think at that age, it is so hard to reason with children. They always think the grass is greener on the other side. I wish I had some advice but I guess all you can do is pray that he stays safe and returns home soon. I'll be thinking about you and your family.
ReplyDeleteWow. You seem like such a strong woman, keep your head up. He will come home. I actually did the same thing. At 15, I wanted to live and have my own life. I ran away. I met this guy, (now my husband), and moved in with him. I conceived my first child at 16, and had no relationship with my family until after I found out I was pregnant. My now husband was the one who convinced me to call my family. I am now 21, happily married, and enjoying my life. When I think back on it now, as I have my own child, and my mom is now my greatest friend in the world, I can't fathom why I put my family through that.. It takes maturing, growing up, and realizing how precious family is.
ReplyDeletePlease keep us updated! I am going to continue reading your blog.. Have a wonderful day.
~Shanna