I had an experience last night that I expected to be strange, and it did not dissapoint. I was fortunate enought to be invited to a lovely wedding. The bride was beautiful. The event center was beautiful. Everything was beautiful.
So why was this strange?
The beautiful event center was formerly Heideman Mortuary. The mortuary that handled Andrew's funeral. I had not been back there since I paid the final bill. The center looked completely different...BUT as I wandered around I could still make out some of the vivid memories. Where Andrew's casket was for the viewing, now a beautiful dining room table. Where the people lined up to greet us, now a beautiful staicase. Where the chapel was, now a dance floor. The elevator that took us down stairs to see our son and dress him, still an elevator. The TV still had a video on it, but instead of the past life of a boy whose life on earth has ended, a video of two people's past lives that are starting a new one, together. And I even thought...the freezers. A walkin freezer that once contained my son's body, now holds food for a wedding.
The whole idea seemed so strange to me. I was preoccupied.
With errands and things to do, I did not get home for a few hours. I showered and got ready for bed, then looked at Andrew's scrapbook that I have started. I am so sad that he is gone. Sometimes it does not seem real. I look at the pictures of him in his casket and ask myself "Is he really gone?" "Did it really happen?" And the lump in my throat, that I fight, reminds me of how real it really is.
I think of the "events" in our life that Andrew will not be here for. His brother's and sister's weddings. Graduations. Missionary farewells. Births of neices and nephews. It makes me ache for him.
So, to not give in to the self pity, and tears. I quickly went to bed, to sleep the bad dream away. I love sleep. It is my best defense mechanism.
Andrew, today I miss all the past events in our life that we shared, and the future events that I will experience without you here, but with you in my heart. I love you.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Memorial Day
I have been thinking about posting this thought since...well ugh...Memorial Day.
I have a strong opinion about Memorial day. I think it is the perfect day to remember and recognize our soldiers who have lost their lives in the line of duty, as well as recognize those that have survived and are serving. I do not, however feel that we should feel obligated to grieve publicly for our own losses on that day.
Mothers who have lost children grieve for their lost children the other 364 days of the year, and should not feel obligated to go to the grave, etc., that day.
I have a good friend who lost her son 18 years ago. She has since moved away from where he is buried. She was feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt for not being able to visit him or decorate his grave on Memorial Day. But he is not there. He is with her, where ever she is. Her son loves her and knows that she loves him. I am sure he does not care if she is able to drive the several hours it would take for her to put flowers on his grave. We all put flowers and decorations on our childrens' graves everyday in our broken hearts.
On the flip side, I did not plan to go to Andrew's grave on Memorial Day this year. However, I was in the area of the cemetary, and had about an hour until I was supposed to meet my husband and son at the movie theater. I did not want to waste the gas to drive home and back, so I decided to visit Andrew's grave. When I got there, the cemetary must have conducted a cemetary clean up and his grave was void of any decorations. I do feel a sense of guilt, or dissapointmet, when his grave isn't decorated. I know Andrew doesn't care, but in a way, I don't want him to think I have forgotten him or put him on the back burner. And yet, I know he hears my every thought, and knows the grief in my heart.
Andrew knows I think of him all 365 days of the year, all 24 hours of every day, all 60 minutes of every hour, and all 60 seconds of every minute.
And if I don't decorate his grave on Memorial Day, because someone says that is what I am supposed to do, I should not feel guilty, and I do not love my son any less.
I don't usually rant, and I hope this doesn't sound like such.
So mothers, grieve when you want to greive, and how you wnt to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I have a strong opinion about Memorial day. I think it is the perfect day to remember and recognize our soldiers who have lost their lives in the line of duty, as well as recognize those that have survived and are serving. I do not, however feel that we should feel obligated to grieve publicly for our own losses on that day.
Mothers who have lost children grieve for their lost children the other 364 days of the year, and should not feel obligated to go to the grave, etc., that day.
I have a good friend who lost her son 18 years ago. She has since moved away from where he is buried. She was feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt for not being able to visit him or decorate his grave on Memorial Day. But he is not there. He is with her, where ever she is. Her son loves her and knows that she loves him. I am sure he does not care if she is able to drive the several hours it would take for her to put flowers on his grave. We all put flowers and decorations on our childrens' graves everyday in our broken hearts.
On the flip side, I did not plan to go to Andrew's grave on Memorial Day this year. However, I was in the area of the cemetary, and had about an hour until I was supposed to meet my husband and son at the movie theater. I did not want to waste the gas to drive home and back, so I decided to visit Andrew's grave. When I got there, the cemetary must have conducted a cemetary clean up and his grave was void of any decorations. I do feel a sense of guilt, or dissapointmet, when his grave isn't decorated. I know Andrew doesn't care, but in a way, I don't want him to think I have forgotten him or put him on the back burner. And yet, I know he hears my every thought, and knows the grief in my heart.
Andrew knows I think of him all 365 days of the year, all 24 hours of every day, all 60 minutes of every hour, and all 60 seconds of every minute.
And if I don't decorate his grave on Memorial Day, because someone says that is what I am supposed to do, I should not feel guilty, and I do not love my son any less.
I don't usually rant, and I hope this doesn't sound like such.
So mothers, grieve when you want to greive, and how you wnt to grieve. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Greeting the Sun
Once upon a time I used to write poetry.
I thought I would like to try writing a song about losing my son. I even thought I would like to try to make a whole CD for othere grieving parents. I know that you are supposed to write the tune then the lyrics, but...since I don't know how to write music, lyrics is as far as I got. The CD may not happen unless I learn how to write music.
So I thought I would share.
Greeting the Sun
V1:
Making my shield to the world,
I’m pulling the sheets up tight,
Trying to forget you’re gone,
But I’m not winning the fight.
You’re all around in my room,
You are every where I look.
On the floor, your crumpled clothes,
the table, your fav’rite book.
V2:
Shades are holding back the sun,
While lying in this cold bed.
Didn’t really sleep last night,
With your mem’ry in my head.
With this aching in my heart,
Don’t think I can greet this day.
Feeling empty in my sole.
I’m sleeping the pain away.
Chorus:
The sun can’t find me here
I’m alone in the dark.
Sun please don’t find me here,
I’m not ready to start,
Op’ning my heart, sharing with friends,
Taking on this new day.
Living my life, greeting the sun,
Pretending that I’m o.k.
V3:
People say get out of bed,
I can’t find the will to try.
Feeling like I just can’t live,
I am wishing I could die.
I won’t make it with you gone,
No way can I make it through.
Won’t you please come back to me?
Or just take me there with you?
Chorus:
The sun can’t find me here
I’m alone in the dark.
Sun please don’t find me here,
I’m not ready to start,
Op’ning my heart, sharing with friends,
Taking on this new day.
Living my life, greeting the sun,
Pretending that I’m o.k.
Bridge:
You break through the tears I cry
To say:
“My mem’ry can’t live when you choose to die.”
Revised Chorus:
I’ll let the sun find me here
To brighten up the dark.
Sun will you please find me here
I’m ready to start,
Op’ning my heart, sharing with friends,
Taking on this new day.
Living my life, greeting the sun,
Learning I’ll be o.k.
Reprise:
Op’ning my heart, sharing with friends,
Taking on this new day.
Living my life, greeting the sun,
Knowing I’ll be o.k….
Someday…..… I’ll be o.k.
I thought I would like to try writing a song about losing my son. I even thought I would like to try to make a whole CD for othere grieving parents. I know that you are supposed to write the tune then the lyrics, but...since I don't know how to write music, lyrics is as far as I got. The CD may not happen unless I learn how to write music.
So I thought I would share.
Greeting the Sun
V1:
Making my shield to the world,
I’m pulling the sheets up tight,
Trying to forget you’re gone,
But I’m not winning the fight.
You’re all around in my room,
You are every where I look.
On the floor, your crumpled clothes,
the table, your fav’rite book.
V2:
Shades are holding back the sun,
While lying in this cold bed.
Didn’t really sleep last night,
With your mem’ry in my head.
With this aching in my heart,
Don’t think I can greet this day.
Feeling empty in my sole.
I’m sleeping the pain away.
Chorus:
The sun can’t find me here
I’m alone in the dark.
Sun please don’t find me here,
I’m not ready to start,
Op’ning my heart, sharing with friends,
Taking on this new day.
Living my life, greeting the sun,
Pretending that I’m o.k.
V3:
People say get out of bed,
I can’t find the will to try.
Feeling like I just can’t live,
I am wishing I could die.
I won’t make it with you gone,
No way can I make it through.
Won’t you please come back to me?
Or just take me there with you?
Chorus:
The sun can’t find me here
I’m alone in the dark.
Sun please don’t find me here,
I’m not ready to start,
Op’ning my heart, sharing with friends,
Taking on this new day.
Living my life, greeting the sun,
Pretending that I’m o.k.
Bridge:
You break through the tears I cry
To say:
“My mem’ry can’t live when you choose to die.”
Revised Chorus:
I’ll let the sun find me here
To brighten up the dark.
Sun will you please find me here
I’m ready to start,
Op’ning my heart, sharing with friends,
Taking on this new day.
Living my life, greeting the sun,
Learning I’ll be o.k.
Reprise:
Op’ning my heart, sharing with friends,
Taking on this new day.
Living my life, greeting the sun,
Knowing I’ll be o.k….
Someday…..… I’ll be o.k.
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