I had an experience last night that I expected to be strange, and it did not dissapoint. I was fortunate enought to be invited to a lovely wedding. The bride was beautiful. The event center was beautiful. Everything was beautiful.
So why was this strange?
The beautiful event center was formerly Heideman Mortuary. The mortuary that handled Andrew's funeral. I had not been back there since I paid the final bill. The center looked completely different...BUT as I wandered around I could still make out some of the vivid memories. Where Andrew's casket was for the viewing, now a beautiful dining room table. Where the people lined up to greet us, now a beautiful staicase. Where the chapel was, now a dance floor. The elevator that took us down stairs to see our son and dress him, still an elevator. The TV still had a video on it, but instead of the past life of a boy whose life on earth has ended, a video of two people's past lives that are starting a new one, together. And I even thought...the freezers. A walkin freezer that once contained my son's body, now holds food for a wedding.
The whole idea seemed so strange to me. I was preoccupied.
With errands and things to do, I did not get home for a few hours. I showered and got ready for bed, then looked at Andrew's scrapbook that I have started. I am so sad that he is gone. Sometimes it does not seem real. I look at the pictures of him in his casket and ask myself "Is he really gone?" "Did it really happen?" And the lump in my throat, that I fight, reminds me of how real it really is.
I think of the "events" in our life that Andrew will not be here for. His brother's and sister's weddings. Graduations. Missionary farewells. Births of neices and nephews. It makes me ache for him.
So, to not give in to the self pity, and tears. I quickly went to bed, to sleep the bad dream away. I love sleep. It is my best defense mechanism.
Andrew, today I miss all the past events in our life that we shared, and the future events that I will experience without you here, but with you in my heart. I love you.
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Thinking of the events in life that we miss sharing with Jeana is probably the hardest part of accepting her death that I had to deal with. Her older sister graduated last year, her brother is excelling in sports that she used to beat him at, and with the coming school year, we will be watching all her friends "experience" their senior year....without her. I'd totally avoid the school if I could be with our nephew and my best friend's son in that class and Jake still in high school, it is impossible not to watch them blossom into adults.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs to you for being able to attend the wedding. I now work across the parking lot from the funeral home where Jeana's visitation was held. Some days it is so hard to understand that people were lined up all the way across the parking lot and standing at my office door now to wait and talk to us for just seconds. Some days the only thing you can grasp that gets you from one minute to the next is faith that the shining stars taken from our lives are now "terrorizing" heaven and God's paths!
I am so sorry for your loss. The wedding where you had the funeral is just wrong....Creepy.
ReplyDeleteI have never lost a child and i don't know how i would go through it.
You are very strong for Heavenly father to thing you could endure this. I am so sure Andrew is watching over you.
Come follow me back and say hi when you can.
XO Frenchy
It's funny, the event center, if you didn't know it was a funeral home, you would have NO idea. It is beautiful. I bet you the people having the wedding had no idea that it was ever a funeral home.
ReplyDeleteI agree its the events of life that makes the passing of my son the hardest. When each of my children have reached milestones, I have a little part of me that aches to wonder what it would have been like to see Nathan smile for the first time, or walk. Atlas, I am grateful for the ten minutes I did have with him and it those ten minutes that keep me going when I think I can't go on further. How brave of you to go - I haven't been to Metcalf Mortuary since Nathan's passing. He died during the holidays and I refuse to drive pass there around that time because the day I dressed Nathan was the day there were setting out the nativity.
ReplyDeleteHi Colleen, I am so sorry for the loss of Andrew. I have never experienced the loss of a son, but I have experienced the loss of my little brother when he was 13 in 1984, and that of a girlfriend(fiancée) in 2006.
ReplyDeleteSometimes still the demons of sorrow and regret manage to grab me by the throat for brief periods.
Hi Colleen,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about the loss of your son...I can't imagine how it felt to be at that wedding...I somehow wondering if it was Andrew's way of saying "hi" to you from heaven....
I have just become a follower to follow your journey...I actually found your name on Frenchy's blog...
I have a brand-new blog and am having some drawings so I thought you might want to take a look at my "vintagey" things...
Sending hugs your way,
Cindy
http://cindyadkinswhimsicalmusings.blogspot.com
Hi Colleen,
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy that you came to visit my blog!. And I have a special gift for you for being my first visitor at my prayer blog...I will be adding inspirations every day.
If you know anyone who could use some daily inspiration or prayers, please let them know about it...
My email address is: Cindylou_20@hotmail.com
If you email me your address, I'll send your gift.
Hugs,
Cindy
ah, i didnt realize the Jessica's wedding was at the event center. why didnt you tell me? and i'm positive they didnt know it was a mortuary. but still, that would be really weird to go to a wedding there.
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