I had an experience last night that I expected to be strange, and it did not dissapoint. I was fortunate enought to be invited to a lovely wedding. The bride was beautiful. The event center was beautiful. Everything was beautiful.
So why was this strange?
The beautiful event center was formerly Heideman Mortuary. The mortuary that handled Andrew's funeral. I had not been back there since I paid the final bill. The center looked completely different...BUT as I wandered around I could still make out some of the vivid memories. Where Andrew's casket was for the viewing, now a beautiful dining room table. Where the people lined up to greet us, now a beautiful staicase. Where the chapel was, now a dance floor. The elevator that took us down stairs to see our son and dress him, still an elevator. The TV still had a video on it, but instead of the past life of a boy whose life on earth has ended, a video of two people's past lives that are starting a new one, together. And I even thought...the freezers. A walkin freezer that once contained my son's body, now holds food for a wedding.
The whole idea seemed so strange to me. I was preoccupied.
With errands and things to do, I did not get home for a few hours. I showered and got ready for bed, then looked at Andrew's scrapbook that I have started. I am so sad that he is gone. Sometimes it does not seem real. I look at the pictures of him in his casket and ask myself "Is he really gone?" "Did it really happen?" And the lump in my throat, that I fight, reminds me of how real it really is.
I think of the "events" in our life that Andrew will not be here for. His brother's and sister's weddings. Graduations. Missionary farewells. Births of neices and nephews. It makes me ache for him.
So, to not give in to the self pity, and tears. I quickly went to bed, to sleep the bad dream away. I love sleep. It is my best defense mechanism.
Andrew, today I miss all the past events in our life that we shared, and the future events that I will experience without you here, but with you in my heart. I love you.