Thursday, March 25, 2010

Food for thought

This post is more about food than it is for thought. I have come to the realization that I have absolutely no control over food.

There are times that I have become completely dedicated to a weight loss program and lost the appropriate amount of weight. The very next day I am gorging myself with all of the items that I have been deprived of. Although I think I have always had this tendency, since Andrew died, I have spun out of control. It started when I would bury my grief in a tub of ice cream. I would roboticaly shovel the ice cream straight from the carton into my mouth. I would bake and eat a chocolate sheath cake every day for months.

Then disgusted with myself, and trying to prove that I was above this, I would deprive myself and lose the weight....and then gain the weight all over again.

Today was the day that I was going to eat right. I even talked to my sister, and she was going to be my support. But then, I saw the menu at work and decided I couldn't pass up the meatball sandwich. Yesterday I couldn't pass up the chili cheese dog. And now I feel SICK! And somewhere in the back of my head I am justifying that it is ok because it is Andrew's Angel day is tomorrow. It has been 3 years. No one expects me to eat well when I am anxious about "that day".

How could making myself feel sick possibly make me feel better about losing my son? What is the parallel here? Because I just don't get it. And yet, every time I feel bad, or like I have no control over my life, I eat CRAP.

So the "thought" in the "food for thought" that I have come up with, is that if I feel worse about my food choices, and the pain in my stomach is strong enough, maybe there won't be any room left for the actual grief, therefore I won't have to feel it. That is my uneducated guess.

So tomorrow, on Andrew's Angel day, I will make a conscious effort to have a wonderful day so that I have something wonderful to post. But I don't think I will post what I eat.

1 comment:

  1. Hi, I found your blog through Andrea Larsen's blog. My name is Rachel Doyle, I am originally from St. George, but now live in Provo. I too, have lost a son, Nathan, three years ago. He was born premature and only lived 10 minutes. Your Andrew sounds like an amazing boy - I am so sorry for your loss. I hope his angel day found you with peace and comfort. Rachel